On November 8th, 2012, I emailed the staff at school to update the teachers on what was happening.  I am so thankful for this email because I can look back on the weeks right after the cerclage, stitch, and before the birth.  I wish with everything that is in me that I would have written some things down that were going on.  Oh my, did I just say I wished I would have written things down..... HAHA!! 

Anyways, this is the email to the teachers at school. 

"I thought that I would update you about what's going on to this point.  On Thursday, Oct 25th, I went to a routine doctors appointment after working half a day.  During the appointment, the dr found that I was contracting and my cervix shrunk from a normal 3.5cm to 1.44cm and then was contracting all the way down to .8cm.  The doctor immediately admitted me into the hospital and said I needed a cerclage placed to keep my cervix closed.  After surgery Thursday night, the doctor informed us that I was also dilating and baby 'a' was already working his way out.  He said that he was able to push the membrane back and stitch me successfully.  I truly see God's hand in my appointment on Thursday, because if my appointment would have been scheduled for Friday, we would have lost our three blessings.  At this point the doctor said that I would need to be on bed rest.  Apparently, cerclages have good success rates, but the doctor wants me to be on bedrest so that the pressure from my organs and all three babies don't prematurely break a babies water.  I am allowed to go to the bathroom and shower as needed, but other than that, I am not allowed to move. 

I was sent home the day after surgery.  The next day, Saturday, I was having cramps so I returned to the hospital where I stayed 4 days in order to stop the contractions that started up again.  Once the contractions were under control, the doctor sent me home with a medication that I take every 6 hours to hopefully keep the contractions under control.  When I was released, the doctor said my next appointment could be scheduled for two weeks.  I guess the babies looked good enough that he thought I could wait two weeks for this next appointment.  This appointment is tomorrow. 

I will try to keep you updated on the babies growth and development as time progresses.  My appointments at this time will be every two weeks unless the dr needs to admit me into the hospital again.  I pray that I don't have to go back till early in the year because as hard as bedrest is, being home makes it easier !!  Our first milestone is 23 weeks as the doctor believes the babies could survive if they were born that early.  Tomorrow marks my week 19, so I'm slowly getting to the first goal. 

I'm sure you know this, but we are expecting two boys and a girl.  Right now we have agreed on two names: Nolan David and Amelia Grace (although we are still debating the spelling).  Baby 'c' is nameless at this point, but we are working hard to give this little guy an identity.  :-). The babies have been growing well and moving as needed.  The doctor does not have concerns about the babies at this point, just my body. 

I thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers and ask that you continue to pray for the babies growth, development, and that their amniotic fluid would stay at a sufficient level.  Ideally, even though it seems so far away, I would like to deliver in late February or early March. 

I will send an update after my next appointment. 

Love,

Christina"

As I read this email, it brings smiles and tears to my eyes.  The smiles occur when I realize what an amazing outlook I had on things.  I had no idea that anything was going wrong.  I also smile because naming one baby was difficult enough for us, and at this point we had successfully agreed on TWO names!!  I smile because the verbs in this email are present these:  "we ARE expecting two boys and a girl".  I smile because the babies "HAVE BEEN" growing well and moving as needed.  I smile because the doctor didn't have any concerns about the baby.  It makes me happy that the babies were so happy and healthy inside of me. 

But, then the tears flow.  And mainly from the same statements......  I cry because we named two of our babies at this point, babies that we would never get to meet.  Babies that we would never get to know.  I cry because it took us so long to agree on the two names and oh we loved them so much!  I cry because the verbs are now past tense:  "we WERE expecting two boys and a girl."  I cry because I wish I could feel them growing well and moving inside of me or in my arms. 

I smile often because I know I am loved and I know that our babies are loved and taken care of in Heaven with our Heavenly father and their Great Grandparents.  I smile because I know that when I enter the gates of Heaven, I will have three perfect children running up to me and hugging on me.  I cry often because my heart aches so deeply to not have those three here with us.  I cry often because the memories are so hard to relive.  My life has become a rollercoaster of emotions that don't always make sense. 

Anyone who has experienced loss would agree with me that some strange things make you smile while other strange things make you cry.  It is hard to determine what emotion I may feel in the next hour.  Please know, if you have experienced loss, this is SO normal.  It is OK to cry in the middle of the grocery store or in the middle of pumping gas, in the middle of the most mundane things in life. 

The best thing I ever did for myself, since late last November ,was talk to a counselor.  Getting my thoughts and feelings out into words and having  a trained individual listen and give me tips has helped a great deal.  Talking to friends about the memories I have of the babies has helped also.  Talking about my story is helping me heal and I hope that it helps others heal also.