Five Days I Wish I Could Erase Forever!

I am writing today because I don't know that I will be up to writing over the next few days.  It is really hard to relive this time one year ago.  I wish I could change every moment of the following memories, but it is impossible.  I live with these memories more often than one would wish to recall. 

November 22, 2012 - Thanksgiving

Since I was on bedrest, I was unable to attend any Thanksgiving functions.  My mom happened to get sick this day, so thankfully, my best friend and her family dropped off Thanksgiving dinner for us.  It was such a nice gesture, and I will remember this forever! 

Because we were stuck inside, Brandon decided to put together one of the three cribs by himself.  I, of course, could not help him.  He was so proud of himself when he was done.  In fact, when we returned the other two cribs, we kept the one he put together to fill in the future, God Willing! 

Today, one year ago, I noticed that I was producing lots of mucus.  Being pregnant for the first time, I figured that this was normal and let things go.  Looking back, this was the beginning of the end......


November 23, 2012- Black Friday

I woke up slightly upset that Brandon and I could not fight the crowds.  We never shop for much on Black Friday or get up super early to stand in line, but have made it a tradition to go to Boardman and watch the crazy people.  If we find a good deal on something, then we buy it. 

I kept telling myself that I couldn't get to mad about missing out on the crazy people when I was keeping the babies inside of me cozy and protected. 

At some point in the day, I told Brandon that I thought I needed to head to the hospital just to get checked.  Contractions at this point were hard to determine because I was only 21 weeks along, but I thought I was having some contractions.  I also noticed that my mucus increased tremendously and I was afraid that I was spending too much time up and out of bed to use the bathroom when I should be laying in bed. 

Brandon took me the hospital where they kept me over night. 

November 24, 2012

They kept me in the hospital because they didn't like the amount of mucus I was producing.  They were checking the babies and each heartbeat was strong and healthy. 

At some point, I started to hemorrhage.  The doctor on call rushed me into a room to surgically remove my cerclage, cervical stitch.  He said that if we didn't remove it now, I could lose my entire uterus.  

The cerclage was removed.  My doctor came in to talk to me.  She said that it looked like Baby A, Nolan, was going to be delivered eventually, but if we were lucky, my cervix would close back up to keep the other two in for many more weeks/months.  Little did she know, my uterus was already infected by the bacteria and it was moving through my blood stream.  

So, I told my Dr. that I would do anything to keep the babies inside of me.  I asked if I could sleep at an angle in hopes of keeping the babies as far from my cervix as possible.  So, I began sleeping at an angle with my head down slightly and my feet up.  

November 25, 2012

Most  of the morning I remember things going well.  I had visitors galore.  Brandon was there all day, along with my parents and his parents.  Then, Jen, my best friend, visited for a while and Diana, another good friend from school, visited.  Everything was going well, until about midday. 

At some point I started feeling contractions.  The dr. decided to take me off of all of the medicines that were helping with the contractions because they weren't actually stopping the contractions.  I don't remember too much more except that I did eventually fall asleep. 

November 26, 2012- The Day I HATE

My mom and Brandon's mom decided to sleep on the hospital couches in the waiting room incase we needed anything.  I don't know if it was mother's intuition or if the drs told them that it wouldn't be much longer.  During the night, I was awake often due to my constant hemorrhaging.  What a humbling experience to have someone clean me up several times because I couldn't move from the bed.  Around 2 o'clock, I woke up with unbearable contractions. 

It was a long day of contractions, 15 hours to be exact. 

At some point, I was asked if I wanted an epidural.  About half an hour later, I was told that my infection was so bad that the anesthesiologist would not give me an epidural.  My temperature started to rise and my white blood count was increasing.  Not only was I loosing a lot of blood through the hemorrhaging, but my uterine infection was entering my blood stream. 

And so, after 15 hours of back labor and contractions our babies were born naturally, all within an hours time. 

~Brantley Reese AKA "Baby C"~

Brandon and I struggled so much to find three perfect names for our miracles.  We decided upon Nolan David and Amelia Grace, but were really struggling with a name for "baby c".  Sometime between Nov. 14th and November 21st, a friend of ours text me and reminded me of a name that Brandon and I had talked about months before. 

Brandon and I went to a Cleveland Indians game with some friends two summers prior.  While at the game, I told Brandon and my friend that I really liked the name Brantley, after Michael Brantley a Cleveland Indian's player.  Brandon agreed that he liked that name also and, if we ever had a boy, we would name him Brantley.  Fast forward, here we were searching for another boy's name until my friends sends me a text reminding me of our conversation.  I am so thankful for the timing of the text message from my friend.  We had no idea that within a week of us finalizing our triplets names, they would be born.  I don't know how I would have ever lived with myself if we had to just give "baby c" a name on spur of the moment when he passed.  His name means so much more to me and I wish we could tell him the story of how he got his name.  Even if it was months after his siblings received their names, his name was decided upon many months before he was even conceived.

We thought so long and hard about the babies names.  Thought about what their initials might spell.  Thought about what nicknames they may have in school by their friends.  At one point, I liked the name Max.  I was afraid, after much consideration, that in middle school he may be called Maxi Pad.  I also really liked the name Harrison, but was afraid of the nickname Harry.  We didn't want to used anything that started with a K because of Kappler being the baby's last name.  Oh, the things I came up with for every single name I liked that then put them on the "No List". 

Nolan, being the first born, received Brandon's middle name David.  We knew he would be first born because he was always the lowest.  So, with the name David as Nolan's middle name, we had to go back to the drawing board for Brantley's middle name.  We considered also giving him Brandon's middle name, but then he would have the same initials as Brandon (BDK).  We didn't want either boy to feel that their name was more important than the other.  Finally, we decided on Reese.  Now the first born would have Brandon's middle name and the second boy would have Brandon's initials (BK), sort of. 

We considered so many things when choosing names.  It's crazy how much time we spent thinking about the babies names only to find out that they would not be used on any documents other than birth and death certificates and their grave stone.  No report cards, no graduation invitations, no marriage license, and the list goes on.  The names we picked have so many meanings and each was carefully considered for many, many hours. 

But Brantley, was thought about months before is name was official.  I wish he knew that. 

This is the email I sent to the teaching staff on November 14, 2012. 

 

 

"I had my 19w check up this past Friday.  The doctor started by saying, "Looks like your holding on by a thread." I didn't find it funny at the time because I was nervous about how the cerclage was holding.  I asked if that was good and he chuckled and said yes, it looks great.  Pheww!! 

He also said all three babies look great and he actually said he was pleased with everything.  The only thing that he wants to keep an eye on is Amelia's kidneys.  Apparently they are a little larger than they should be, but not of any concern at this point.  I am so thankful for the positive report because it helps me remember why I am laying on this couch ALL day. 

I am already seeing a little personality in our three miracles.  Nolan definitely has Brandon's temperament.  He is always just hanging out relaxing.  He doesn't seem to get worked up about anything.  The ultrasound tech actually complemented me on Nolan.  She said, "You have a really good, cooperative baby!"  Lets hope he stays that way!!!  He weighs 11 oz.  

Amelia is our little spitfire!!!  I told Brandon that the name fits her well because she was "flying" around in my belly the entire time the ultrasound tech was trying to get measurements.  She said at one point, your little girl just totally did a somersault while I was measuring.  Amelia was also moving away from the tech as she was trying to get a heart rate.  She is the only one who I have felt kick me.  She weighs 10 oz. 

Baby "c" still doesn't have a name, although we are trying so hard to find something that we agree on.  I honestly feel that baby "c" knows he doesn't have a name yet because he was putting on a show as if to say, look at me!!  He is the only baby that gave us a great profile picture and then he made sure we knew he is a boy!!!  He is definitely not scared to share that with us.  The ultrasound tech also complemented on how cooperative he was.  Four weeks ago, Baby "c" was 18% smaller than the other two.  He has caught up and is almost the largest!!!  He weighs 11 oz. 

All three babies are measuring very close in size, which is great news.  Their heartbeats are strong, all around 150.  The doctor still wants me on strict bedrest as it is keeping the babies safe.  They are the only reason I lay on the couch all day..... its killing me to do NOTHING!!!!

Well, my next appointment is in two weeks.  I will keep everyone updated as I go to the appointments.  I have attached a few pictures, although the ultrasounds are getting harder to see because the babies are starting to become squished!!!  HAHA.  Im not sure how the pictures are going to come through, but the picture numbered 4 is a picture of baby c's noes and mouth.  The picture #6 is baby c.  Picture #7 is Amelia's foot as she begins her somersault. 

Have a great week! 
Christina Kappler"

 

 

 

"God's Waiting Room"

I started reading "You'll Get Through This" by Max Lucado.  I am only a third of the way through, but this has been an amazing book!  One paragraph that I would like to share is this:

          "And you?  You aren't in prison, but you may be infertile or inactive or in limbo or in

            between jobs or in search of health, help, a house, or a spouse.  Are you in God's waiting

            room?  If so, here is what you need to know:  while you wait, God works."

 

I guess this waiting seems different when I think of it as God's waiting room.  Sure, waiting isn't my first choice, but if God is working while I am waiting, then it seems to lesson the frustration of waiting. 

 

The book works through the story of Joseph and the fact that from the age of 17 till age 37, he had a really rough life that included A LOT of waiting.  Not only was he sold and deserted by his own brothers, but he was also thrown into prison for something he didn't do.  Joseph waited, and waited for twenty years.  Yet, when he was finally released from prison to reveal the meanings of Pharaoh's dream, his faith was not devastated, but deepened. 

 

          "To wait, biblically speaking, is not to assume the worst, worry, fret, make demands, or take

           control.  Nor is waiting inactivity.  Waiting is a sustained effort to stay focused on God

           through prayer and belief.  To wait is to "rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him,...not

           fret" (Ps. 37:7)"

I like that Max Lucado describes waiting as active.  Waiting on God's promises does not mean waiting for the miracle to happen.  I believe this means being proactive about your situation.  Although God is capable of anything, He wants to see us working for what we want.  Praying, believing and actively pursuing what we are waiting for. 

And so, I will continue to actively "wait" for God's timing.  Even though I am not a patient person, God is working.  And that, is worth the wait! 

"Progress Isn't Always Obvious"

11/8/2013

I just finished listening to a sermon about Joshua and the walls of Jericho.  I have heard this story since I could walk into Sunday School.  You probably know the story too; Joshua and his army walk around Jericho for seven days and the seventh day, the walls fall. 

The preacher had an interesting insight into this story.  If you read Joshua 6, God tells Joshua that his people need to walk around the walls for six days.  Then, on the seventh day they will walk around seven times and blow their trumpets and the walls will fall.  The part that I found interesting is that Joshua NEVER told his army that they were only doing this for seven days.  His army walked around Jericho never knowing when the end was in sight.  They walked by faith, not knowing when their walking would end. 

How do I apply this to my life?  I feel at times that I am walking, and walking, and walking, but getting no where.  It's like life is playing a trick on me and I'm think I'm getting closer (to increasing our family), but I'm on a treadmill and I'm not actually any closer than I was one year ago.  BUT, the thing that I have to remember is that if I give up, I will never see the end.  People have asked me, how many times I am going to go through a miscarriage before I can't take it anymore.  I guess I feel like the people in Joshua's army, I don't know at what point God is going to change things for me, but if I stop now, then it won't happen.  I have no idea how far along this journey I am.  Am I on day 6?  Maybe I'm moving in to day 7.  It sure feels like I'm all the way back at Day one.  But, progress isn't always obvious.  The pastor said that if the army would have stopped on day 6 and said, that's it, nothing has happened up till now its time to give up, the walls of Jericho would never have fallen. 

How close are you to your promise?  Don't give up!  "Don't Stop On Six"



http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/dont-stop-on-6

On November 8th, 2012, I emailed the staff at school to update the teachers on what was happening.  I am so thankful for this email because I can look back on the weeks right after the cerclage, stitch, and before the birth.  I wish with everything that is in me that I would have written some things down that were going on.  Oh my, did I just say I wished I would have written things down..... HAHA!! 

Anyways, this is the email to the teachers at school. 

"I thought that I would update you about what's going on to this point.  On Thursday, Oct 25th, I went to a routine doctors appointment after working half a day.  During the appointment, the dr found that I was contracting and my cervix shrunk from a normal 3.5cm to 1.44cm and then was contracting all the way down to .8cm.  The doctor immediately admitted me into the hospital and said I needed a cerclage placed to keep my cervix closed.  After surgery Thursday night, the doctor informed us that I was also dilating and baby 'a' was already working his way out.  He said that he was able to push the membrane back and stitch me successfully.  I truly see God's hand in my appointment on Thursday, because if my appointment would have been scheduled for Friday, we would have lost our three blessings.  At this point the doctor said that I would need to be on bed rest.  Apparently, cerclages have good success rates, but the doctor wants me to be on bedrest so that the pressure from my organs and all three babies don't prematurely break a babies water.  I am allowed to go to the bathroom and shower as needed, but other than that, I am not allowed to move. 

I was sent home the day after surgery.  The next day, Saturday, I was having cramps so I returned to the hospital where I stayed 4 days in order to stop the contractions that started up again.  Once the contractions were under control, the doctor sent me home with a medication that I take every 6 hours to hopefully keep the contractions under control.  When I was released, the doctor said my next appointment could be scheduled for two weeks.  I guess the babies looked good enough that he thought I could wait two weeks for this next appointment.  This appointment is tomorrow. 

I will try to keep you updated on the babies growth and development as time progresses.  My appointments at this time will be every two weeks unless the dr needs to admit me into the hospital again.  I pray that I don't have to go back till early in the year because as hard as bedrest is, being home makes it easier !!  Our first milestone is 23 weeks as the doctor believes the babies could survive if they were born that early.  Tomorrow marks my week 19, so I'm slowly getting to the first goal. 

I'm sure you know this, but we are expecting two boys and a girl.  Right now we have agreed on two names: Nolan David and Amelia Grace (although we are still debating the spelling).  Baby 'c' is nameless at this point, but we are working hard to give this little guy an identity.  :-). The babies have been growing well and moving as needed.  The doctor does not have concerns about the babies at this point, just my body. 

I thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers and ask that you continue to pray for the babies growth, development, and that their amniotic fluid would stay at a sufficient level.  Ideally, even though it seems so far away, I would like to deliver in late February or early March. 

I will send an update after my next appointment. 

Love,

Christina"

As I read this email, it brings smiles and tears to my eyes.  The smiles occur when I realize what an amazing outlook I had on things.  I had no idea that anything was going wrong.  I also smile because naming one baby was difficult enough for us, and at this point we had successfully agreed on TWO names!!  I smile because the verbs in this email are present these:  "we ARE expecting two boys and a girl".  I smile because the babies "HAVE BEEN" growing well and moving as needed.  I smile because the doctor didn't have any concerns about the baby.  It makes me happy that the babies were so happy and healthy inside of me. 

But, then the tears flow.  And mainly from the same statements......  I cry because we named two of our babies at this point, babies that we would never get to meet.  Babies that we would never get to know.  I cry because it took us so long to agree on the two names and oh we loved them so much!  I cry because the verbs are now past tense:  "we WERE expecting two boys and a girl."  I cry because I wish I could feel them growing well and moving inside of me or in my arms. 

I smile often because I know I am loved and I know that our babies are loved and taken care of in Heaven with our Heavenly father and their Great Grandparents.  I smile because I know that when I enter the gates of Heaven, I will have three perfect children running up to me and hugging on me.  I cry often because my heart aches so deeply to not have those three here with us.  I cry often because the memories are so hard to relive.  My life has become a rollercoaster of emotions that don't always make sense. 

Anyone who has experienced loss would agree with me that some strange things make you smile while other strange things make you cry.  It is hard to determine what emotion I may feel in the next hour.  Please know, if you have experienced loss, this is SO normal.  It is OK to cry in the middle of the grocery store or in the middle of pumping gas, in the middle of the most mundane things in life. 

The best thing I ever did for myself, since late last November ,was talk to a counselor.  Getting my thoughts and feelings out into words and having  a trained individual listen and give me tips has helped a great deal.  Talking to friends about the memories I have of the babies has helped also.  Talking about my story is helping me heal and I hope that it helps others heal also. 

Someone I Miss

I recently joined a Photo of the Day group on Facebook.  I enjoy taking photos and a friend suggested this group as a way for me to heal.  I will try anything to see if it works!! 

Today's "Theme" is SOMEONE I MISS!  So, I posted this picture of our triplets in utero. 

 

I have difficulty looking at this picture often, because it reminds me of a time when all three of our babies were healthy and alive.  It brings back many memories, my only memories of our precious babies.  I miss them moving inside of me.  I miss preparing to be outnumbered by our children instantly.  I miss the future plans that I made in my head.  I miss deciding what to do for transportation, since not many vehicles would hold three baby seats.  I MISS THEM!!!!

 

The ONLY thing that keeps me going on a daily basis is the promise, that I believe with all my heart, that I will someday hold our babies and spend an eternity with them. 

This is something I posted on Facebook on October 25th, but for anyone who comes across my blog, this is part of me and I thought it was important to add to the blog. 

 

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

I woke up to a beautiful day, excited about our next ultrasound. Both Brandon and I had taken half of a personal day in order to go to see our three miracles’ growth. Brandon had not been to many ultrasounds up to this point, so I was excited for him.  

 I went to school for the first half of the day. At 11:00, I packed up my items and told my students, “I'm going to... my doctors appointment, I will see you tomorrow.” These five words haunt me often. I am a women of my word and it bothers me still that I told my students that I would see them the next day, when I could not live up to my word. After leaving school, I went to Brandon’s place of employment to pick him up.  

 We arrived at the hospital and went to the high risk doctor’s office. At 16 weeks, this appointment should have been super exciting. The ultrasound tech entered the room and was very pleasant, although she was a different tech than the one who had scanned me at every other appointment. Up to this point, I had had so many ultrasound appointments that I was really getting good at reading everything they were looking at. My regular ultrasound tech would talk her way through the examination, letting me know what she was seeing. As the new tech started her scan, I KNEW something was wrong. I said to the tech, “something doesn’t seem right. Is everything right?” She kept measuring my cervix as she said, “The doctor will talk to you when he comes in.” That was the worst ultrasound I had experienced up to this point. The tech proceeded to scan the perfect babies. All measurements looked amazing and their growth was right on if not larger than where the average triplet would be at 16 weeks. All along, I KNEW that something was not right and I just could not enjoy all the great measurements. Deep down, I had the feeling that we were in for some really bad news.

As the ultrasound tech left the room, I looked at Brandon and said, “something is wrong!” “Just wait for the doctor”, he will tell us what's going on. After about 10 minutes, that seemed like a million years, the doctor entered the room. He came in, very pleasant and calm, shook our hands and said , “Well, the babies look great. But, your cervix is shrinking and funneling. What is your occupation?” I told him I was a teacher and he said, “Not any more.” WHAT?!?! I was getting too much information all at once. First he was telling me that my body was failing me and then he was taking away one of the things I took so much pride in.

I lost it. I can’t remember if I was more shocked or scared. I just wanted to go home and start the day over again. He then proceeded to inform me that I was going in for surgery in two hours. SURGERY?!?!?! What a minute, I wanted to scream, we are here for a 16 week check up to show us how perfect our miracles are, and now he was telling me that I needed surgery?!?!

At this point, through sobs, I had to call parents and family members to let them know that the appointment had taken a turn for the worst and I would be going in to surgery to attempt to stitch my cervix shut and keep the babies in as long as possible. Next, I had to call my principal and co-teacher to let them know that I would not be returning to school the next day, even though I had just told my fifth graders that I would “see them tomorrow”. How could this be happening?

I was then taken into a room and prepped for surgery. As I went back for surgery, they gave me a spinal and then put me under. When I woke up, I couldn’t feel my legs. The doctor came in to the room to let me know how surgery went. He said that he performed a “rescue cerclage”. Sounds great, right??? I felt so happy that he had “rescued” our babies!!! Things were going to be ok, right???

He proceeded to inform us that not only had my cervix shrunk and funneled, but I was also dilated. At this point he put his thumb and pointer finger together to form a circle the size of a quarter. He said, “Baby’s membrane was already on its way out. I pushed back in and stitch you up because you were dilated this much.” I wanted to hug him, I wanted to jump up and thank everyone for saving our babies. At this point he said that he was putting me on antibiotics, a medicine to stop contractions, and bedrest.

 So, now we had to rely on my body and the gift of time. Both of which failed me. At 16 weeks, the babies would have to stay safe and inside for at least another 8 weeks. And even at 24 weeks, they were not guaranteeing that the babies would even survive.

 I stayed in the hospital for a few days because I was contracting at 16 weeks after the procedure. They decided to give me shots of something called tributaline. These shots were HORRIBLE. They gave me the chills and made my heart race for a half an hour. I sucked it up and knew that if the shots and being in the hospital meant meeting my beautiful triplets in many weeks down the road, I would do ANYTHING!!!

Several days later, I was sent home and told only to get up to use the bathroom and to shower……..

An so, this Thursday, one year ago, my world began to unravel even though I really didn't know the grave ending to our story. I stayed as positive as possible. Other's lives have continued, and I am sitting her with flashbacks of me in a hospital gown, laying in the hospital bed, thinking and believing that the babies were safe inside of me and bedrest was going to solve the problem. Boy was I wrong.......

Nov. 1, 2013

A friend of mine suggested that I start a blog.  She thinks my words are powerful.  I must admit when I read the message from her I kind of giggled inside.  Me, writing?!  I responded by telling her that if I were truly honest with her, I actually hate writing.  That is 100% truth.  I teach math, not words.  I have never enjoyed writing, but the opposite…. Numbers.  Although I really do “hate” writing, there is something about putting my thoughts and feelings into words that allows for healing to take place. 

For anyone who does not know me, this first blog will be me in a nut shell.  My name is Christina and I married my husband Brandon in July of 2006.  I have always been a planner, and so I planned out our life so meticulously.  We get married, spend the first five years of our marriage saving money for our future and our dream house, have children after getting to know each other and growing together for five years, move into our dream house and all while living out my passion teaching in my very own classroom.  For anyone who knows me, my plans don’t seem to be the same plans as our Heavenly Father.  Yes, we got married.  Yes, we purchased a house and lived there for five (plus two) years.  But, that is basically where my plans fell apart. 

My husband has been laid off two times since we got married.  During this time, I was never working a full time teaching job.  I taught in several grades for maternity leaves and then some part time title one positions.  The savings for our dream house sure didn’t happen right away, but we are working on that. 

In 2010, I was finally given the opportunity to put my teaching talents to work in my own classroom.  But, in 2011, I was told that I may be laid off due to funding.  Short lived dream, right?!  Thank God, I was never laid off and I continue to teach fifth grade math and science.  (NOT reading and writing!!)

In late 2011, my husband and I begin to think about expanding our family.   Thinking is basically all we could accomplish as nearly 9 months go by of trying and nothing happened.  In the beginning of 2012, we decide it is time to look for some help.  I start seeing drs at a reproductive endocrinologist.  If you do the math, I am already a year behind MY timeline of starting a family.  After 6 months of tests and medicine, we become pregnant.  Much to our surprise, we were expecting triplets.  Things were going well for a while, until a late October appointment.  At this point my planning, took another turn.  (I’m not going in to too many details about this pregnancy right now as I want it to be part of other posts in the near future).  Long story short, our miracle triplets were born at 20 weeks and passed straight on to heaven.  

For the 9 months after our babies’ birth, I worked on getting my health and mind healthy enough to try for a family again.  Labor Day 2013, we got another positive pregnancy test.  WOW, I was so excited to have another opportunity to become a mom of an earthly child.  Again, my plans were MY plans and not God’s plans.  Our first ultrasound showed a sac, but no heartbeat. 

And here we are.  Married, childless, but have a great home and are both employed.  I know we are truly blessed because we have each other and family who support us through everything.  So, I guess this blog is going to be my thoughts, memories, ideas, and just daily dealings while we proceed through life, hopefully with children in our near future.  At times my thoughts may seem random, but, that is part of what makes me, me. 

I’m not sure how often I will write, to what extent I will write, or if this will even live up to what my friend thinks I am capable of, but here I go.  I am ready to give it a try!!!